I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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