you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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