a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
