Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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