I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
