Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
