I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
