i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
