I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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