I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Randomize
