I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i wish my penis had a tongue
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
