Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
