Swine flu. Run for my life!
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
