In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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