I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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