I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
