Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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