you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
