ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Randomize
