.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
