Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
