I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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