the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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