will power is for people who don't want to get laid
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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