I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
