I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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