I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
