but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
