If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
