just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
