i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
