Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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