Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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