Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
