Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
