Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
