He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
