Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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