i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
