Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Randomize
