I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
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