eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
