Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
