You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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