I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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