New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
