I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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