Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
