alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
