White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
