Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
