the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
