i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
