Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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