Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
he shaved USA in his pubs
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
